12 Aug I have found the fight that I thought I had lost, and it feels so good!
This may come as a surprise to many but for the last couple of years, dealing with the constant pain, the constant struggle, the constant changes of medication, I was done! I told this to many friends, and Darren would get so upset when I would say it, but I think I would say daily, “I can’t do this anymore.” In the last couple of years, it truly was hard to live, yet I have so much to live for. For those of you that deal with chronic pain, or for those of you that have the looming fear of cancer re-occurrence hoovering over you, you understand what I mean. I felt at my lowest of lows thinking my boys, my family would be happier without me. I KNOW this was wrong. I KNOW it is not true. So, before you go yelling at me, I know how bad my thoughts were. I get why so many people fighting the “C” word get to the point and say no more! I never understood this before, but I totally get it as I have felt it myself. I told many, many friends and colleagues that if it is my time, I am good to go! Which is still true, but now I tell the man upstairs it is not my time yet! I have a lot left to do in this world! Do you know how good it feels to say this?!! To feel this?!!
I truly felt like I had no fight within me anymore!
This new group of doctors and therapists are having me learn and see options that I could not see anymore! I had felt for so long that the doctors had done all that they can do, which I realize now it was not the doctors. It was me loosing the desire to fight to live! I let myself get to a place again of feeling sorry for myself, feeling bitter that why is this my life? Why did I not only have to go through cancer, but why could I not have just been done like so many others? Why have I had to deal with so many scars, worries, surgeries, pain for the last 10 years? Well, you know what? That is my life. This is my journey. We all have scars and worries and deal with so many horrific tragedies in life. Mine is no different than yours. I just built that story in my head and we know how powerful the mind is! The amazing Dr. Joe Dispenza said it best – “Your personality creates your personal reality.” Think about that for a minute. Everything we think, feel and do creates the reality we live in. The choice starts in our minds and manifests itself with belief!
Your personality creates your personal reality!
My mind chose to be done. So that created the reality around me. When I made the flip to be open to options and to let a sliver of light creep into my mind once again, things started to change. People, options, all started to appear. I would think, “Where have you been?” They were there all the time; my mindset didn’t allow me to see them!
I truly feel like I have been reborn in some unique way! I have been reborn with the desire, fight, need and want to defy all odds once again! IT IS NOT MY TIME! The world needs me, my boys need me, each and every person that is part of our amazing business needs me, every customer, acquaintance, stranger that needs to hear my message needs me! They all need me as much as I need them!
My final thought and my final message to the big “C” word is this: Nine and a half years ago you never brought me down. And you are still not going to bring me down. You do not know who you are messing with! Bring on the fight because I am ready, and you do not stand a chance!!