The only person you can change is YOU!

Most relationships that encounter problems seem to focus on the “who is to blame” element. This is not only destructive but is also an action that usually leads to more problems than solutions.  I always look at my actions in every situation, and what could I do different.  Even in the worst situations, I always looked at myself!  My dad taught me at a very young age, that I am responsible for me, my actions, my life!  The only expectations to have is of yourself!  If you live with expectations of others, you will only live a life of disappointment!

If you are struggling with a relationship or situation, taking the time and effort to explore the various reasons and actions that had a part in contributing to the current negativity will help you realize that there is really no benefit in placing the blame on everyone and anyone else.

Darren and I have spent years working on our marriage.  MARRIAGE TAKES WORK!  Any relationship that is important to you, takes work!  When you look at your relationships, and struggles you may be going through, what is the common denominator?  It's YOU!!!!

When you start making positive changes that help you become a better person, and you change your thought process to focus on you, you make the situation more pleasant and easy to improve upon. Changing oneself does not require the constant maneuvering of another person’s physical and mental control.  Trying to control someone else only leads to frustration, heartache, and lost relationships.

Concentrating on being a better person who is more loving, caring, compassionate will also encourage the other party to respond in an equally positive manner thus successfully allowing the relationship to improve for the better.  Do not focus on what they are doing or what they may think.  That is none of your business.  Only focus on what you are doing!  The more love and compassion you give out, the more you will receive.  The more you control your actions, by managing your thoughts, you will naturally reduce stress and easily find joy in your life.

We need to remember; we are the only ones that can control our thoughts!  Our thoughts create an emotion in our body which eventually leads to our actions.  The only thing you can control in this process is your thoughts.  Change your thoughts, which will change your emotion, which will change your actions!  This took a lot of hard work, but now in our family my boys will even through this back at me.  I will sometimes say, "You make me so mad.  I will always love, but I don't like you right now".  What do I get in return, "Mom, remember you are the only one that controls your emotions.  Change your thoughts mom".!  It is very funny!   In all seriousness though, the younger we can teach our children these tools, the easier it will be for them to manage relationships and situations.

Here are some places/tips that one should explore for the purpose of seeking outside help to try and save or create a better relationship or to learn how to change your thoughts in any situation:

• Reading as much as possible on the subject would be helpful. Sometimes it would be helpful to know that there are others that have gone through the same situation and that it is possible to overcome it successfully.  One book that Darren and I both recommend is "Feeling Good.  The new mood therapy" by David Burns.  This book saved our marriage early on. 
• Seeking counselling from therapist, a priest, life coach, counsellor, or someone you respect. This is helpful only if both parties are open and willing to explore options that are closely linked to the angle or take on things.  It takes time to find a good therapist!  I am looking for a new one, myself.  Interview your therapists to make sure they are a good fit.
• For some, joining a support group or a community would be a more suitable match, as they would prefer to hear several different views on the matter and for its non-threatening and non-judgmental base. Being in a group will allow both parties to be able to hear several different types or suggestions and opinions that may prove to be helpful and practical.

I encourage you to make a list of your top 5 relationships in your life and do an inventory and ask yourself these questions:

• Do I feel good in this relationship?
• The love and friendship from this relationship I know is unconditional.  I can be who I really am, and I know they will still love me.
• Ask the person how they feel in your relationship?  Is there anything they need you to change?
• Am I putting enough time into this relationship?

You can do this with any relationship.  I check in with my boys all the time!  Learn to check in with your feelings and ask yourself what thought is making me feel this way?  Then change YOUR THOUGHT!  It truly is that simple!