Upon entering the retreat at Shathayuretreat, I was welcomed with open arms and immediately into care. The airport trip to the retreat was very interesting. I honestly thought at time where am I going. When we made our final turn, onto a narrow, rough road, my anxiety was through the roof…..where am i going, what am i doing, what did i do? As soon as the resort came into my eye-sight, the beauty of the resort took over my anxiety and calmed me down. As soon as I was great by all the help, I knew I was in the right place for my healing journey.
As I was walking to my room, I could feel the calmness, tranquility this place had to offer. I was still nervous of what to expect for my treatments, but somehow, my entire life, i have been guided by just listening to my intuition, sometimes at the end I look back and I think, how did i get here, I put my head down, no one can change my mind, because my intuition is so strong, people may call it stubborn, but I just know it is a force that i cannot even reckon with.
It guides me on so many decisions in my life. My husband has learned to go with it, I have learned not to ignore it. As I walked into my room, the serenity of my room warmed my heart. From the Frangi Pani flowers, to the folded towels, to the gorgeous bathroom.
I knew I was safe, and that I would be OK. My intuition, once again, lead me to where I knew I needed to be.
Shortly after arriving, the meetings with the doctors took place. They had already reviewed my file, which was lengthy, but we discussed what my treatment would look like for the next 14 days. I was guided to do a Panchakarma treatment, a deep deep deep cleansing of the body, not for the weak, that is for sure. Not truly understanding all the different treatment methods of Ayurvedic medicine, I trusted the doctors and knew I would be in good hands. As the first few days went by, I found myself feeling so very very sorry for myself. I never dreamed my life since the age of 38, would revolve around fighting for my life, fighting for no pain, fighting to learn how to heal my body one day, one surgery, one treatment at a time.
Literally since turning 38 and hearing those awful words you have cancer, our life has been forever changed.
It took my mind 38 years to be the person I was. After going through treatment in 2011, so many friends, family try to support you, some leave you, some stay, some get mad, they feel relieved when the physical cancer treatments are over, what they don’t realize is our cancer journey truly starts the day of our last treatment. After treatment I have a mind, that thinks totally differently, I have a body that does not look how I think it looks anymore, I have the looming fear of death everyday, I have a new normal of waiting for the shoe to drop. It is so hard to know you are a woman, but in your heart, you can’t feel like a woman, you can’t feel like a wife, you can’t feel beautiful. Now don’t get me wrong, you all know I love love love my life, I am blessed for the life I have, but in this moment it really struck me, what I have been through the last seven years, and what I continue to still have to do to face my fears, fight for my life, fight for feeling beautiful. I accept my life with open arms, and am blessed in so many ways, but in this moment I let all my guards down and cried.
I cried for the family and friends I lost, who couldn’t just love me for who I am, I cried for that “life of the party girl”, I cried for the loss of my physical womanly body as I knew it, I cried for what cancer has taken from me, I cried for that woman who would spend hours planning family events and gatherings who’s energy is now put into fighting for her life, I cried that I feel I have fought so hard, I cried for my mom and grandma as when they left this earth the emptiness they left behind cannot be filled. I
cried as I don’t want my boys to have a mom like this, I cried as I want nothing more than my boys to feel the touch of their grandma one more time, or to taste her homemade soup or spatzil (german noodles)…..I let my guard down and cried, I was overwhelmed with tears. I cried for the moments when Dryden would ask me, “Mom is your cancer worse than Nana’s”, meaning am I going to die like Nana too. My heart breaks for what my boys must feel some days.
Over the days we went to some temples and eventually my tears turned into gratitude. As I know, everyone has a battle, and I work so hard every day at mine, but just for a moment, I needed to be raw…..it felt so get to get it all out. Even the strong ones out there, sometimes need a moment. As I prayed at the temples, felt healing energy, the messages I was hearing was loud and clear, “You are safe, you are healthy, just live. Life is not a battle. Life does not always have to be a struggle. Let go.
Just live. Be light. Peaceful and grateful.” Since I had such an emotional release, my body has not felt lighter, (yes I know this is part of cleansing, but I am not good at being the vulnerable one). Allowing myself to be vulnerable, in such a sacred environment, was deep healing that I truly needed.
So what does a day look like……
Every night before you go to bed, you are given your schedule for the next day. A day typically looks like this:
- 7:30 a.m. Yoga in the beautiful studio.
- 8:30 a.m. breakfast in the dining hall.
- 11:00 a.m. treatment for usually 2 hours.
- 1:00 p.m. lunch
- 3:30 p.m. treatment
- 5:00 p.m. Meditation or Yoga
- 7:30 p.m. Dinner.
Some evening we would also have educational sessions on Ayurveda medicine, diet, etc. Very interesting. I am truly coming home with a wealth of knowledge I cannot wait to share with you all. Please know that your treatments are different everyday as it depends on how you are feeling. Food is very diverse and different depending on where you are at with your treatment. You usually meet with the doctors everyday to discuss your treatment plans. Depending on what your ailment is, they well adjust the treatment. If you google, Panchakarma, you will get a better understanding of the variety and in-depth treatment protocol. I will blog on this soon, but i truly am just absorbing the transformation I am going through.
I could not end, without mentioning the amazing people who are here with me. Whether in Bali, at the retreat, or here, it never ceases to amaze me, that the right people from the around the world, show up in the same spot as you, and play such a huge role in your healing journey. I am spending time with an amazing woman from Germany (who reminds me so much of my mom and grandma) and another amazing woman from Iraq. The discussions we have had, the moments, the laughs, is priceless. These woman are forever stamped on my heart!
Well, I let it all out, was real with all of you, and shared what my typical day looks like here in this little piece of healing energy on earth!
I am off to my treatment……love you all! Thanks for sharing in my journey!!!