My journey is about to begin…… I never thought in a million years that I would have a career where i would be travelling internationally. That I would be going to China, to speak in front of 1000’s who want to hear me speak. I need to say that again, “Who want to hear me speak”! I still say these words and they are still hard to believe. You see, for my entire life, I have struggled with my own value, I have struggled with my own gift, that I knew I had. I knew inside that I wanted to do great things, and i knew the universe wanted me to do great things, but my self-talk always pulled me down. Then when my cancer first hit in 2011, it destroyed my self-worth and self-confidence. Let me explain a little bit about my childhood and a little bit about myself as to why I always felt like I had to dim my light. This journey I am going on, is finally, me being who I am, me being that amazing person I know I am inside, me changing that self-talk, and kicking that person out inside my head that keeps pushing me down, getting rid of that voice that has me so scared of dying from cancer, that voice in my head that prevents me from fulling living the life I know i am meant to live.
I grew up in a small beautiful home, with my mom and dad and three brothers. Yes, I was the only girl, and the baby of the family. I always say I was a “mistake”, my mom and dad definitely were not expecting me in their 40’s, and definitely wasn’t expecting a girl. When I was born, my dad even had to ask the doctor if he was sure it was a girl. My dad would always tell me that when I was born, I completed our home. I definitely was a daddy’s girl and the apple of my mama’s eye! I grew up with so much love from my family and extended family, and truly believing from the day I was born that I was special. This fed my soul, and made me believe I could do anything, I was the ray of shining light, that when I entered a room, I was loved and I made everyone feel as special as i felt. I truly felt this was a gift. As i grew up, I excelled at sports, school and was the person who was friends with everyone, I just wanted everyone to feel love.
The unfortunate part about this, is some of my family didn’t receive the way I was loved, very well. There was jealousy, there was frustration, and there definitely was a lot of hurt. As much as I knew how I wanted to do big things with my life, and that I wanted to live a purposeful life, I was always brought down by my family. My nicknames growing up were “Ugly”, “Thunder-thighs”, and I was made fun of lots by the people I loved so much. I grew up wanting to be a part of so many things with my family, my family foundation was so important to me, but I was always excluded, not invited. I was told, “Who do you think you are?”, “Everything doesn’t need to always be about you”, “You know you are not that special”. Whether it was my birthday, graduation, wedding, it was always an inconvenience, not to my parents, but other members of my family.
As I grew older and was the one to make sure everyone was invited to family functions, I would make sure we would have Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, no matter how hurt I was, or how I was
judged because I didn’t live a life that wasn’t the standard, I would always make sure everyone was included. But when I became sick, didn’t have the energy to ke
ep the family together, all these events started to dwindle away. My mom passed away, my dad sick, it was harder and
harder. My burning desire for my family, to be accepted, to be loved, I soon realized was not healthy. I soon realized I couldn’t be who I knew I was meant to be, around most of my family. I would have to pretend to be someone else. Even growing up in my government job, as I climbed to be the CIO for the provincial government, i would hear from my family members, “Don’t pretend to be something you are not, you are just a secretary”. My family had no idea what i did for a living, or how good I was at my job! There are a couple of things wrong with this, they didn’t realize how judgmental they were, because if i was just a secretary, that is O.K., there is no “just a” job, all jobs and people are equal, no one is better than the other! But the fact that I worked so hard to get where I was at in my career, no matter what i was, I always had to be diminished. Then when I got cancer, and my husband and I built our business to great success in such a short time, i found that little girl inside of me wanting nothing more than for my family to say how proud they are of me. I wanted nothing more than my family to tell me I am going to be O.K. I now know i need to find this within me, and I know my mom and grandma are up in heaven just beaming with pride, and truly are helping me spread my wings a little more each day!
So why do I share this with you, what does this have to do with going to China and then to India:
- Owning the fact that people want to hear me speak in China, is me owning who i am, me owning that I am a friggen amazing person, and by the way so are you, and no matter what anyone
- says, i am going to go and enjoy every single moment and be present in this amazing moment in my career. Are you owning your awesomeness? Are you listening to the pull inside your heart? Are you owning your light and shining bright?
- My past does not define me, your past does not define you! Those voices in your head, that someone may have said something to you, don’t give them space for rent. Kick them out! Time for negativity, to exit right!!!!
- Going to India, after China, to a hospital where your mind is relaxed, your body is renewed and your soul is rejoiced, means i need to shed the layers of belief i have from a little girl, and jump into the amazing woman i know the world needs me to be! We all need to nurture that little boy or girl within us, and let them know they are safe and ok, and that they are loved! i need to nurture that little girl, i can no longer push through my emotions, I need to tell that little girl “she isn’t ugly”, “she is special”, “she is wanted and loved”. Are you ready to shed those layers and layers of negativity, and emotional abuse, and live the dreams you dreamed of as a child? It is never to late to start!
- My fear of my cancer, my fear of dying, my fear of my choices for my health….is only fear! Fear is a feeling, i need to let all my fear go, once and for all, and live the life i know i am meant to live. As much as I say I am ok to die at anytime, it still has prevented me from truly living to my fullest! My fear, your fear, we all have fear. No one fear is better or worse, it is just FEAR!!!! Are you ready to release FEAR?
I hope you enjoy travelling with me on my journey.
It will be deep, it will be emotional, it will be raw, and it will be real!